Losing my integrity

I'm having jittery bugs all over me now: having second thoughts about the way I did this last project and don't feel like submitting it. Mentioned before, about 40% of the report, maybe, was copied and we totally used some other people's stimulation, although I deleted one thing away, still, almost 99.99% was theirs.

Feeling very bad for using other people's efforts, and feeling very scared that professor will see through it, even though we were not the only one doing all this copycat thing. With exams approaching, really no mood no energy to do the a new stimulation.

Felt that it was entirely my fault, yet again, I felt unjust. Unjust because, firstly, I was supposed to be the know-it-all because of my CCNA background, and so I was to lead them to do the project. Thinking back now, all the praises (?) that TX and WQ (the two guys) totally compelled me to lead the team, while I told them I was half-fucked because I forgot what I learnt. And yes, I could do the IP subnetting already after some revision, then when it comes to the stimulation, I screwed it up again. Even though I didn't do my own stimulation, but then, they were all like depended on me to teach them, so our stimulation was totally wrong coz I didn't revise that part. So by the time I realize what was wrong, I couldn't be bothered to do one again, coz I was supposed to do the control list part. And so, I announced that we would take people's work for submission.

And now that I have to submit, I worried to death. Felt that it was my fault that I didn't get them to do project properly, and even telling them that we took other project and passed it as our own.

I'm failing as a person.

When I was in primary school, I wanted to be the first in class, but then I wasn't. As I got older, the rank in class also got lower. Jia, on the other hand, always top her class, or at least in the top half. In short, her ranking was always better. And being the young kids we were, she showed off and I retorted that her class was not as good as mine.

I don't even want to talk about my secondary school. It was where I realized being among the top carried a heavy burden. As the second highest PSLE scorer in AMKSS, all the teachers could not fathom why the 253 and 251 scorers, sucked in all subjects, probably except our mother tongues. I got to know the 253, a malay girl, coz we were both headliners in secondary 1. Life sucked for us. And for me, finally being in the top 3, failed the standards of a top 3 miserably.

Probably the reason why I was happy in polytechnic was because I wasn't at the very top, yet I wasn't at very bottom, lying somewhere between 4th - 7th place out of my class of 25? The reason contributed to my ranking was probably my 20% laziness and 30% incompetence in projects. But hey, at least I did my own projects.

Now in uni, I am totally and definitely at the lowest layer, or second lowest layer. Yes, many people thought poly students very zai, but I'm not one of them, or at least i tried to, and yes failed miserably again (this is so pet phrase). Putting us at the altar definitely was a very shiok feeling, but for me, it was hard living to the expectations, or myself trying to live up to the expectations I thought.

Precisely this was the scene in this project, 2 guys (the girls were more passive) trying to cajole me into the leading coz I know more than them. Ok, I recalled, I was the one who was lisiting what to do, but then that didn't mean I'm a leader. TX was there annoucing I would be coz i know this. And then, I tried too hard to prove my worth, ending up like a haolian bitch. "Wah, now you talked differently ah! So you very zai lah!" was a sentence lingering since last Friday when we were going through past years paper.

Something I learnt when I was in my poly astro, the person who knew most about the astronomy wasn't the head of club, instead he was the advisor coz we asked him everything. Similarly, if I had abide my stand not to be a leader, and be the advisor, I probably won't feel half as bad now, thinking what lousy things I had done.

I'm definitely not cut-out to be a leader. My Aquarius sign totally proved this point, coz I'm a people-person, I feel most at ease when I'm at peer level, and not a head on top.

I become abulia when I'm being placed at the top knowing I can't do a good job.

"You make a good leader as you are outspoken and respect the views of others even if you don't accept or act on them."
Ok, to make myself feel better, it is not my fault, I'm just listening to the assistant leader's view of copying people's project. Hah, I am such an ass.