FYP Flop

My demo did not went as smoothly as I thought. In fact, I did not know what I was talking although I wasn't nervous, probably lack of sleep. The questions the moderator asked were totally out of my expectations, as most of them were not even technical except "how many codes of lines is your program?".

The first thing he said was, "Your project doesn't show that much was done" or "Your project showed nothing much", somewhere along the meaning. I was totally deflated when he said that, but then he continued saying that I did not have to worry about failing though. He then asked me if I was (am) honest person, of course I said yes lah. Weird question right? Anyway, he said even he didn't ask, he knew I was because of the things I wrote in my report: I admitted in my report that my project was not up to expectation. So as I was babbling how I felt that there was no point deceiving him blah blah blah, he asked me, "Will you take this project again if you were to choose again?" The lack of sleep had caused me to be very incoherent and not intuitive, I actually answered a big fat NO! Wah lau, even a dumb dumb knows that given such a question, no matter how much you hated, you should always answered yes. Feeling the hotness in my face, I quickly explained how interesting this project was, and how I started very enthusiastic about it (which I think my sup could verify). I just became half-hearted when school work started piling up. Anyway, I wished I could just jump into a man-hole and escaped at that point.

Then he asked again, "Are you Singaporean?" another weird question, and after I answered, he said he could see that I am Singaporean. Funny, he knew all my answers yet he still asked. Then he gave me a brief lecture on how I should sell the plus points in a project and hide the weakness (he emphasized that he wasn't trying to teach me how to lie) in the future if I go to work, blah blah blah.

Throughout the 15 minutes, I was really truthful about everything I said (and of course I hide the fact that I started it very late), because it didn't feel like a demo, it was more like a pep talk + counseling session, and my remaining level of confidence was dripping away as he talked. And then, he asked what was I expecting to graduate with my degree, I lied that I was expecting 2nd lower when in fact, I'm prepared to get 3rd.

If I could, I wished to tell him that I actually regret taking up this degree course.

When I go back to the lab because of a project meeting later, it was my instinct to make the experience sounded funny and I appeared nonchalant when my project mates asked how did the demo went, opposite them sat the girl who did the demo before me. The instinct was to cover up my sense of disappointment, not with my project, but with myself.

A delayed PMS and sudden period activated emotional flood in me, again.

When I woke up 4am this morning, I started thinking about my life, about myself as a person. I mentioned before that I sometimes really hated my character: too nice too lazy too chin chai too much procrastination. I wanted to be hardworking, not the kind of hardworking when rushing a project, but the kind where I'm pushed to the limit to achieve something, and not just do something. I dunno what am I good at except a glutton, a braggart, not the exaggerative kind though. I am so pretentious at times, not to pretend something I'm not, but pretend emotionally sometimes, not all the times. I'm not kind to unleash my real feelings, unless I'm at the breakdown point, like now, but then again, it might not be real coz I'm just having another bad day with womanly sickness.

I knew I could do my project, I knew I was lazy, so I started early, and it didn't seem to help, coz I was not disciplined enough. It's a very funny situation. I started early becoz I knew I will be lazy in the process, and it did, but if I started early this also showed a bit of hardworking right? Sometimes, I felt that I deliberately make myself lazy and undisciplined so that I will pushed myself in the end and achieve a miracle, a less-than-normal miracle. Then why didn't I push myself more at first?

Back to my project, I knew I got a very interesting project, and a project which could shine if I had been disciplined enough to do it. Even if I was to do the project with no school modules, no exams, the lack of discipline in me could probably achieve a normal result. Thinking back, not talking about regrets, if I had been consistent in doing, I probably won't be writing all this and instead, would be talking how fantastic my demo was, wowing the professor?

Like Jia said, I had always been lucky but somehow, I didn't know how to count my blessings. Does it consider a bless if I pass my FYP despite doing shit work to it, or it is a bless to achieve a A if I had worked hard? Which one is more blessing? How do you defined a blessed life? I know of someone who had like 27 As in his transcript, several job offers from the top govt agencies and companies and still unhappy about life, most of the time hating his singlehood, yet I have another friend who quit school, worked in a small company, single also but happy.

I think, it all goes down to how we think.

Feeling back to normal now after writing this post.