Knowing what we want

I read Jia's post on her birthday, glad that she had such a wonderful birthday memories, and I am very glad that she liked what I buy for her, coz I think this is this is the first time I buy something without her knowledge and she liked it somemore. I used to buy things she didn't like or, I had asked her.

Recently, I've been having dreams about having a birthday celebration, and the people were Flower they all. It seems like I am really hoping that they will throw a surprise party for me, coz Flower had already asked when is my birthday and it's like less than 2 weeks, yet I don't hear anything from them. Maybe the more I yearn for, the more it won't fufil bah. It has always been like that, whatever I wanted the things to turn out, it will become otherwise. The previous entries about my birthdays were blog out of impluse, but yet it was what I was really hoping for. But after thinking, I realised why should I expect them to this just because they had asked me for my birthday and I had participated in the previous bashes? Does that mean I had joined so that I hope they will do the same to me? Doesn't that makes me insincere in celebrating their birthdays? Then I might as well use the money to spend on myself right? Or maybe I expect a return because I gave so much for my friends...

Before this, I gave treats coz I knew I would receive presents, never mind if the presents cost lower than the amout of what I treated, I just love the feeling of receiving presents and connecting with my friends during party. Slowly, as we started to have class birthday parties, I started to compare the prices. Irritating as I find myself doing this, I can't help it for I realise I am giving more than I received. Grr... I don't wish to compare either, but sometimes just can't help wondering why the rest had such nice treatment while mine is like shabby? I really hate myself to think like that.

Therefore, I want to remind myself with this entry, that I shall not compare presents anymore, I shall not compromise myself to attend a birthday party which I do not want to go just to hope for a return favour, I shall not expect things from people, anymore. It's better to get the things I want myself.