Been feeling moody, especially now that I am cleared to go sites. It is suppose to be a happy news, coz going to sites = money. I felt worse, because there's nothing I know if I really go and support them. For the past 2 years in my job, I felt that I am wasting time. Not just because they wasted my time with all these clearance issues, I myself had no idea what to do either.The 2 years could have been utilized well but I did not.
It seemed like ever since I went into this project, all I heard was how scary this project was, I don't know if that indirectly affect my decisions to a lot of things. Heck, my life seemed to go downhill since getting into university. Lousy grade, lousy work, lousy personality.
I know I decide my life myself, but I can't help but feeling all my decisions are lousy. Wouldn't it be better if someone decides for me and so if anything goes wrong, I don't have to shoulder that mistake. Mistakes are a huge burden. They say, "Learn from mistakes", but I never seem to able to. I made more mistakes. Even deciding which queue to join could prove to me how lousy my decision was. I always ended with either the slow auntie or a fussy buyer.
I sort of falling into places now at work, now with my clearance all passed and team lead throwing things for me to do, I should feel valued. Yet, all I could think of was, "No, don't ask me! I dunno!!!" I already have lesser workload and yet I can't churn anything out right.
I used to think I'm good in a lot of things, now I think I sucked at a lot of things. I took MC today not only because I was really sick and weak (damn the doc who scolded me for MC-ing), it was to avoid what I haver to face at work. I seriously don't wanna go to work, not because the work is freaking a lot, it isn't compared to my other colleagues, but because I don't want to do as I dunno if I could do it. Yeap, I'm a runner, I run away from harsh reality.
My last job, I marched right in with overloaded confidence of I know my stuffs, only to be banished to the lowliest level of a lousy support engineer whose technical skills aren't even as good as a newbie. I'm not sure if that really roasted whatever self esteem I may left in myself, I walked right into another job with the mentality I'm lousy and I can't learn tough stuffs coz I have a simple brain which work one way direction only.
"Don't just say ok ok to, prove to me you know how to do. I know you can one" was what my team lead messaged me after he requested to see the tasks by this week. He threw to me like months ago. Saying OK is so much easier than telling him "I not sure if I can complete". At least I will try to complete it since I have a deadline.
I hated going to work during my last job, and now for me is I really dreaded going to work. I felt so useless over there. I don't seem to picking up anything they taught me. And I don't know why. I can't face my boss and team lead without feeling a sense of guilt. I know they covered a lot of shit for me and I truly want to return the favor by showing my capability, but all I did was like making them regret for covering me up. The 3 Ps that my ex boss said I lacked is like finally showing out in full glory. Lack passion, lack pro activeness and very passive.
My post is suppose to be super emo, but it seemed like a joke after reading it. Maybe my life is on e big huge joke, with so many mistakes. Once in a while, I will google "suicidal thoughts/depression during PMS" just to ensure that I am normal to think like that during moody period. I guess, only when I really die, then will I know what cause it. It's either accident or depression.
I'm losing the zest for life.
